Why I Don’t Eat Wheat

Wheat.  It’s not gluten.  I don’t give a fuck about gluten.  I try not to eat wheat.

I try to treat my dietary choices like religion.  In that, I got information that sounded reasonable, and so I made life choices, and one of those choices was not to consume wheat products.  I’m not going to preach anything at you.  I’m not going to ask you to change your own dietary habits.  I’m just going to do this thing, because it’s something I believe in.  If you don’t choose to share that belief, that’s cool.  Don’t bang small children, don’t try to stab me or people I love, and I’m cool.  If you’d like the details, I’m happy to share them with you.  Otherwise, you enjoy your muffin.  I’ll eat this banana.

It’s easier to say “gluten-free” because typically that means “no wheat.”  My problem isn’t necessarily with the protein gluten.  My concern is with the seventy-some other proteins they haven’t quite figured out.   My problem is that I DON’T KNOW WHY WHEAT IS BAD.  Not because of some sort of hipster science breathed out over kombucha.  Because they haven’t done research on it.  We’ll get to that in a second.

Basically, I don’t eat wheat because my fiancee told me not to and she is much wiser than me when it comes to the ways of nutrition. But I also read one of the five or twelve damn books she read.  It was called “Wheat Belly.”  Much like the Bible, there’s some great stuff in there, and there’s some fundamentalist crap that’s way too far and seems completely fucking unreasonable.  But the gist is “wheat’s bad.”

Now, I’m not one to just take someone at face value.  So I decided to try to not eat wheat.  That meant avoiding foods that you wouldn’t expect.  Soy sauce has wheat in it.  Imitation crab in sushi has wheat in it.  Gravy.  Some mashed potatoes.  Some fast food chains ice cream.  Pretty much any cream based sauces.  I was floored.  But I stopped eating wheat.  I’ve stopped eating wheat for almost two years now.  I feel better.  It doesn’t make me skinnier.  It wasn’t a diet for weight loss.  Gluten free foods don’t have wheat, but they still have sugar and other fattening things in them.  I was sitting at Fatburger eating a Double XL cheeseburger with chili and french fries on a bed of lettuce.  A trucker looking dude commented saying, “I gotta try that.  Eat healthier.”  I said, “Well, it’s true that not eating the bun is healthier.  But this is still a chili cheeseburger with french fries.  So there is that.”

It’s true.  There aren’t many studies on why wheat is bad for you.  This is because most food studies are conducted by the major corporations like Conagra and Tyson Foods and Monsanto.  And they’ve kind of got a vested interest in not supporting research that would essentially but them out of business.  The deal is this.  The government bioengineered wheat to make it produce more and faster.  The wheat plants don’t grow as tall and as a result, the wheat they produce has way more simple sugars than it used to.  It’s different than it used to be.  They were growing the wheat to help with starvation, which is a good thing.  But now, this frankenwheat reacts in your body weirdly.  It acts like a drug.  It’s why when you eat wheat or stuff with wheat in it, you get tired easily.  You want to eat immediately afterwards.  It acts like a drug in your body.  It gets processed by your brain differently.  It screws with your body chemistry.

After not eating wheat for a while, when I did accidentally consume wheat, I could tell.  I would get cramps, diarrhea, bloating, nausea.  I felt better when I didn’t.  My blood pressure has significantly dropped.  My diabetes has dropped.  And I still eat bacon and waffles and ice cream.  Only I pay a little more attention to what’s in that food.

It has been embraced as a fad diet.  I’m sorry that’s so annoying for the rest of you.  I’m sorry it fucking offends your delicate sensibilities that I eat a cheeseburger wrapped in lettuce.  I guess this is karma biting me in the ass for mocking all my vegetarian friends.  And normally, I could give a flying fuck at a Kinnikinnick Gluten Free donut what you think.  I’m not pretending I have Celiac.  I don’t ALWAYS get sick when I eat wheat.  If someone slipped breadcrumbs into a hamburger, I won’t explode.  I might explode in your toilet.  But I might not.  Maybe it’s psychosomatic.  But it’s making me feel better, so I don’t give a wet fart in a dry  heat how horrified you are.

There are a number of people, a few that I care a whole lot about, who are legitimately celiac.  Who have been told by doctors that lactose and gluten intolerance may be causing them some goddamn legit problems.  And so they stopped.  And those problems and inflammations and aches have all turned to crumbs.  I’m not celiac.  Not even gonna pretend I am.

ONE.  One fucking study that’s supremely flawed has been debunked and now everyone’s waving it my face screaming, “IDIOTS!  BREAD!  BREEEEEAAAADDD.”  The thing that fascinates me are the same people who tend to call everyone “sheeple” for believing everything the government machine churns out, the same ones who bellow at anyone who quotes the Bible for blinding following a book with contradictions, are the same motherfuckers up in arms because I don’t want to brioche no more.   The fuckers who post I LOVE FUCKING SCIENCE posts are the same ones mad because I chose science.  I conducted my own research.  On me.  Doctors take one nutrition class in four years of med school.  And then they never study it again.  The research keeps changing because of recent changes in science.  Maybe it is all bullshit and it’ll turn out to be nothing.  But I feel better.  So fuck you.

The truth is, they don’t really know how bad that shit is for you.  The study I read that cemented everything for me was the one talking about a different g-word: glyphosate. Which is present in Monsanto’s Roundup which may actually be what’s causing what’s being diagnosed as “gluten intolerance.”   So I don’t fucking care about gluten.  Once they stop making frankenfuckingplants, and it’s been proven to not cause me problems, I’ll happily return to eating bread.  But since my health is improved, it’s hard to really give a goddamn that I’m offending so many people because I choose NOT to eat bread.  Guess, I won’t see your bitchasses at Olive Garden anymore.

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