Temple of the Winds by Terry Goodkind
AAAAAUUUGGGHHH. I was actually kind of enjoying my endless slog through the Sword of Truth series. Again, the whole premise being that the chosen one was chosen and then he falls in painful, puppydog love with the other chosen woman. And despite the fact that they should never get married, they decide to get married. And then they cry alot.
The logic in these books is convenient and convoluted. They don’t just put Chekhov’s gun on the stage, they fucking point at it and wink at every opportunity. In this one, there’s a mysterious half-brother healer who arrives. And also suddenly a girl from Richard’s village who used to love him and who spends every waking minute trying to drive a wedge in between him and Kahlan. And by wedge I mean vadge. And by vadge I mean she does everything except hike up her skirt and waggle her vadge. And she does that too. We last met this character in the first book when she was fucking Richard’s brother as revenge against Richard for not liking her. See me getting my fuck on? You could have this. ANYONE can have this. I’m giving it away on QVC in the next fifteen minutes!
Also, there’s a killer methodically slashing up prostitutes who suddenly appears to torture the town. I’m sure it’s not the mysterious brother. Because he’s a nice guy three times. Oh wait, he’s totally insane. I bet you never saw that coming. You’ve obviously never read A BOOK before.
Anyway, the plague is killing everyone according to a prophecy. And the only way the plague can be stopped is if Richard marries Nadine and Kahlan marries his killer psycho brother because WHY? THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON TO DO THIS. Here’s where it gets worse. They decide — look, we’ll say the words and we won’t mean it. But the deus ex are you fucking kidding me says, “Hey, listen, you have to mean it. Don’t be an asshole.” And so they say the words. And then the men are taken away. The women are told, you have to go in this dark building and you have to not say anything and you have to consummate your marriages. So go fuck your new husband in the dark and that will make the magic happen. So Kahlan goes and has sex in the dark with a man she hates because she has to. And so she reluctantly lets him climb on top of her and come and then lays there angrily. Only the curse isn’t broken. Because she didn’t TRY to essentially GET RAPED GOOD by a guy she HATES. So she climbs up on him and starts to ride him. Only he’s not into it. Did I mention it’s her period? Oh, so she first blows him with the taste of her menstrual blood on her and then fucks him until she comes. And the world is saved!
Only, surprise! It was RICHARD! She had sex with the man she loves and it saved the day! Even though that’s not what the prophecy said but apparently, it secretly DID mean that only they didn’t know. But the plague can be cured! Only, Richard is totally fucking pissed off at Kahlan because she had sex with him and liked it but she really thought it was his brother and so she’s totes a bitch. The world’s saved, but really Kahlan just hurt his feels. The misogyny in this series is disturbing. I think every female character gets raped. Jagang is basically a giant rape machine who rapes his rapey way through the Sisters of the Light or Darkness or whatever in the sainted fuck they are. He psychically shuts them off to their powers and then lets everyone rape them. That’s his magic power. Awesome. You cocksmoker.
Anyway, the world is saved and the relationship is all cool because Richard finally stops acting like a spoiled douchebag. YOU UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS GOING ON. You got mad because your woman had to have sex with someone — and at first she hated it. But she realized the only way to save the world was to have an orgasm and you scorn her that. YOU FUCKING CHILD. The worst part is Richard — because of his Spiteful-Senses — can totally tell it’s Kahlan. So he has no problem banging her. But I– I just can’t with this shit. Writing this review, I at least know the series starts to kind of pick up in Book 5. But motherfuck me.