CBR #28 – Yelling Fuck The Police Loses Some Of Its Swagger If You’re Wearing a Monocle and Top Hat

NYPD Red 3 by James Patterson and Marshall Karp

Marshall Karp is my least favorite collaborator with James Patterson.  Karp came on the scene with Kill Me If You Can which started out promising and quickly spiralled down a what the fuckerous hole.  Just tacking on random facts and announcing things midstory don’t quite fly.  An art student finds a bunch of jewels and now he’s on the run for his life.  Oh, but did I forget to mention I’m a motherfucking ninja.  A ninja alien cyborg who has superpowers?  I did.  Well, I do.  Sexy, right?  PHHHBBBBTTTLLTTT.

The NYPD Red series follows an elite task force arranged by the NYPD to solely work on cases for the most superwealthy citizens of New York.  That cracking sounds was my molars shattering from grinding my teeth with rage.  But it’s even better, because it essentially is told from the point of view of Zach Jordan, who is basically Duckie from Pretty in Pink as a cop.  He pines for his ex-girlfriend, who is a super cop, but also married to a rich guy with a drug problem.  Zach decided to get into a relationship with his police psychiatrist, once she got a divorce from her needy hubby.  But Zach, you know, he still pines for his partner.  So they have a lot of cutesy banter, and then Zach does shitty self-absorbed relationship stuff, and then crimes happen to rich people.

Only this time, the super rich guy doesn’t want help from the cops.  He hires a shady private eye to help him.  His son has been kidnapped, and they sent him the ransom demands with his limo driver’s head.  Only it indicates that the kidnapper’s know about the dad’s disgustingly sketchy secret investment program and so he can’t let the cops know.  It happens in New York, so I’ll give you…oh let’s say somewhere between 9 and 11 guesses as to what it involves.  Because why not use a horrific event as a plot device.

I figured out the secret twist pretty much right off the bat, because it was Marshall Karp, and he doesn’t deal in red herrings so much as telling you that you are eating fish and it’s secretly been veal the whole time. And when you go, well, this is veal, he says, ‘No!  It’s fish!  FISH I TELL YOU!”  And then, HA!  FOOLED YOU!  IT was VEAL!” And when you ask why he would so something so stupid and weird, he just twirls his moustache and runs away farting. Honestly, he’s the kind of motherfucker who would sprinkle bread crumbs in someone’s Coke because he thinks they’re lying about being gluten sensitive.  What a tool.

Well, the series fortunately doesn’t end on a cliffhanger like the rest of the Patterson-Familias.  It also doesn’t even try to work B stories, unless you count the one which involves Zach’s love triangle, which is just the worst.  So, yeah.  Not a huge fan.  But will I end up reading NYPD Red 4?  Of course.  Because I am an asshole.

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