CBR #35 – You Said Rape Twice. I Like Rape!

The Pillars of Creation by Terry Goodkind

I’ve been thoroughly excited to write this review mostly because I get to tell my favorite retail asshole customer story.  Christmas 2001.  I’m a bookseller at Barnes and Noble.  This older woman comes in looking for “the newest Terry Goodkind.”  I look it up. “It’s called the Pillars of Power.”  It’s not.  It’s called the Pillars of Creation.  She says, “I need it in audiobook form.  CDs.”  I walk her over to the section.  I hand her the CDs.  She looks at me.  “What is this?”  I said, “It’s the newest Terry Goodkind.  This is what you wanted.  It’s called The Pillars of Creation.”  She huffs.  And then she says in a clipped and irritated tone, “Young MAN.  You. Are. NOT. Listening to ME. He WANTS. The Pillars. Of. POWER.”  I look at her and respond in the same tone. “Then he’s going to HAVE. To write it. HIMSELF.  Because that BOOK.  Does NOT. EXIST.”  She says, “I’m going to call him.”  I say, “You do that.  I’m going to look in the back and see if we have Pillars of Power.”  And then I go back to our receiving room and scream angrily for five minutes while Emmett our receiver just laughs.  And then I high five him and disappear.  I tried to be nice.  I gave her what she wanted.  What a twat.

And now having read the series this far, her son’s probably a fucking twat also.

At this point, I’m pretty sure Terry Goodkind was even sick of his characters.  So he abandons everyone to write about two new characters, Jennsen Daggett (Dagney Taggett portmanteau douchesayswhat?) and Oba.  See, Jennsen and Oba are both ungifted children of Darken Rahl, and thus, they were meant to be destroyed.  Jennsen’s been on the lyrics of Paul Revere by the Beastie Boys for all her life, fleeing the men hunting her.  She meets up with Sebastian, the strategist for Jagang, who saves her life and then helps her decide to get vengeance against Richard Rahl, who wants her dead because he’s a bastard who is a bastard who just wants to enslave everyone and be a horrible dude.  And speaking of horrible dudes, we also have Oba the Oaf, a giant dumbass who suddenly finds himself with power and hears voices that convince him all women want to bang him as he cuts huge holes in them and probably does dirty things to whatever holes he can find.

Goodkind, as an Objectivist, is probably used to writing about bad guys who think they’re good guys. Funny story, I was an extra in Atlas Shrugged II: I Can’t Fucking Believe We Made a Second One. (You can see me banging on a limousine and screaming in some of the scenes.)  We were all dressed like homeless people and demanding money from the poor rich folks.  A couple of the extras asked, What’s this movie about?  So I said, “You know how there are the 1% and the 99%?  Well, we’re the 99%.  And we’re the bad guys.  Because we want the 1% to pay taxes and give their money to us.  Like we do.”  I wasn’t asked back for Atlas Shrugged III: At Least My Friend Jeremy Got A Casting Gig.

Anyway, the whole story follows Jennsen as she wanders around deciding how she’s going to kill Richard, that FUCKER, while Sebastian keeps poisoning her mind against the rebels and telling her how much he loves her.  So much so that at one point he kind of rapes her.  I say kind of because she never says no.  She thinks it.  But then she decides, if an awesome guy like Sebastian is willing to love a dirtball like her, really who is she to say no thank you for sex?  And LO, a thousand Gamergaters learned how to date rape.

I mean, fortunately, it balances out with Oba Rahl, who’s pretty much mindfucked into raping everything.  Honestly, every time he sees a woman, he gropes her or intimates slicing her open and humping the gooey bits.  So hey, maybe I’m just being a SJW about Jennsen.  Oba’s the real monster.

Aside from all the rape, the real annoying part of the book is that for some reason, they all decide they have to go to The Pillars of Creation, which is this rock formation in the middle of a wasteland.  Oba kidnaps Kahlan — after making sure to feel up Cara and Kahlan like their melons at the farmer’s market — and literally straps her across the back of his horse like he’s Snidely Fucking Whiplash.  And then he rides off to the Pillars.  Jennsen literally makes a deal with the devil and then she and Sebastian ride off to The Pillars because they believe Richard is there.  Only he isn’t, he’s behind THEM!  He rides in like vengeance and then the final showdown turns into a really bad episode of the Lone Ranger.  Only with hugs and emotions.

Honestly, all her life Jennsen was trained to hate Lord Rahl.  Twenty years.  And Richard overthrows that with one horribly boring speech.  Flipping her like she was a cheap house on a reality show. Instaneously.  And the “deaths” of the characters are so LAME.  I’m so determined to hate-finish this series, but now I understand why these are the books that totally bored people to death.  Even Goodkind wrote a prequel before starting on Naked Empire.  Which thanks to Goodkind’s predilection towards rape-love, I can imagine this one’ll be a real hoot. Hooter.  That someone will lasciviously fondle if it belongs to anything resembling a female character.  There’s that whole “sexy lamp” motif in stories.  Goodkind does the “sexy leg lamp” in that every female character gets awkwardly humped by a dog.

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