CBR #54 – We Got Ruby Fucking Slippered

Confessor by Terry Goodkind

Ruby slippering.  Dorothy gets whisked away to a nightmare world filled with anthropomorphic horrors where she’s forced to commit homicide twice at the whims of two psychotic despots who are trying to rid their kingdoms of the old woman who can set them straight.  In the end, she finds out she didn’t have to go through any of that shit, and that the power was there all along.

After endless speeches and mansplaining and cringeworthy obsessive love, we finally get to the great showdown.  Which is the same showdown from the first book, the Boxes of Orden.  And so eventually everything susses out.  We didn’t even need the big goddamn battle that raged through the land, or any of that crap.  Jagang doesn’t even get a horrific death.  Instead, we got ruby fucking slippered.  Richard didn’t need the Book of Counted Shadows, or the How to Be A War Wizard in Four Successful Steps or even really need Kahlan.  He didn’t need to know which copies mattered or to stop the stupid Dark Sisters of the Traveling Pants to cast spells.  None of that mattered.  He taps the Sword of Truth against the box and magicks everything right.

Or well, he magicks shit.  Basically he takes all the people who hate magic and who follow the Empire and builds them an exact copy of the world (sans magic) and he makes them live there.  They’ll get what they want and they’ll all die sad and anti-Objectivist.  So of course Jennsen goes there because reasons.  And they have a baby.  And it’s going to end up becoming that fucking friend from high school who reads Atlas Shrugged and wants to start a construction/landscaping company.  Good.  Meanwhile, everyone else will be in the regular world where they have magic but still can act like dicks because that’s Amurricas God Given Right for gay married couples to protect their marijuana crops with assault rifles.

But this comes after forty pages of pure speeches.  Just speeching the fuck out of everything. Speeches.  Finally the series is over though!

But it isn’t.  Because Goodkind decided there’s one more book.  And that book is four books.  Because why use a sentence or paragraph to say something you can say in four chapters.  So why not write a coda to your series by writing four more books.  Because Robert Jordan’s last book was so big Brandon Sanderson had to write three books while writing four series.  Goodkind needs FOUR books because he’s just that much harder of a worker.  Ugh.  Onwards and upyours.

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