CBR #82 – People Throw Rocks At Things That Shine

The Law of Nines by Terry Goodkind

I thought, give him a chance.  Maybe he’s just hamstrung having written fantasy for so long that he needs to do something different.  Maybe this will be good.  I was wrong.  He will just write the same thing.  And tart it up like it’s present day.  Which lets him write “fuck” two or three times and use firearms.

The Law of Nines is a terrible fucking book.  Structurally, content-wise, dialogue, plot, it’s just a huge fucking masturbatory exercise in futility.  It’s the handjob you don’t want and regret getting.

Alex Rahl (BECAUSE OF COURSE HE IS) is a painter struggling to get by in Orden, Nebraska.  ORDEN.  Like the Boxes of Orden.  GET IT?  GET IT!  As someone who loves it when authors link their works, I draw the line.  It’s terrible.  It’s like he read what Stephen King did with the Dark Tower and then tried to do the same thing.

He takes every opportunity to jam as many of his libertarian/objectivist beliefs into the narrative.  There’s nothing else going on, so why the hell not?  It’s bullshit he can’t take a gun on an airplane because he has a right to defend his life.  It’s bullshit he has to pay lawyer fees.  It’s bullshit he can’t just yell his bullshit.  Honestly, there’s an entire chapter where a woman from another dimension and Alex bitch about how the world isn’t like Ayn Rand wanted.  There’s nothing wrong with an author peppering his beliefs into a narrative.  Even structuring his world according to.  But dude, no one wants to eat big handfuls of pepper.  NO ONE.

I’ll admit, I might not understand exactly how this was supposed to work.  Basically, if I get the jist, when Richard Rahl split the infinitive, the idea I guess is that all the shitty people of the world ended up in what we call Earth. And everyone great ended up back in Rand-McGnarly or whatever the piss that other world was.  Richard declared that none may pass.  EVER.  No one can ever go between the worlds.  Only that’s not true.  Because that’s what happening.  People from Sword of Truth — well, 1000 or so years later from that world — are teleporting into Earth. And they want Alex, the last Rahl, to show them the gateway so they can run guns into Rand-McGnarly.  These other beings break people’s necks and if you carve a spell into their foreheads, they teleport back to Rand-McGnarly.  So a good lady, Jax, gets sent to Earth to find Richard and prevent the bad guys from getting him and making him show the gateway.

Of course they fall immediately and Richard-Kahlanly in love.  It’s worse than anything ever.  I’ve seen toddlers form more cogent romantic narratives by holding Barbies and GI Joe’s in their hands and smacking them together.  Here’s the super creeper part: towards the end of the book, Jax’s last name is revealed.  Amnell.  So.  I’m pretty sure this is a Luke-Leia thing, only worse so.  Because Luke and Leia didn’t want to FUCK EACH OTHER ONCE THEY REALIZED THEY WERE RELATED.  However, I don’t even KNOW if they are technically related.  Here’s the possibility.  If Earth is Shitheel Rand-McGnarly, then the only Rahl bloodline was from Jennsen and Tom.  But they wouldn’t have been Rahl’s, unless in this world, all babies have the mother’s last name. Jax is an Amnell, which presumably is from Kahlan.  But does that mean that Kahlan and Richard never married and Kahlan had kids with…I don’t understand.  I DON’T GET IT.  JUST PICK A DIFFERENT NAME.  OR MAKE HER MOTHERFUCKING CONFESSOR.  OR ANYTHING.

Ugh. The ending, the whole book, there’s a whole part where people get confined to a mental institution that I’m sure is a slam on Obamacare or some fucking jazz.  It’s just….my national nightmare will end when the last book comes out.  This has been worse than Left Behind and Mission:Earth.

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