CBR #139 – Frommage, Formaggio, Ost, Syr, Kase

Foreign Affairs by Stuart Woods

In any language, it’s still cheese.  I’ll say it every time, Stone Barrington, the 1%-er James Bond for the elderly set who liked when women knew their place and served you cocktails and appreciated a firm hand on the backside, is the goddamnedest Mary Sue in the world.  And Jesus Christ, its even worse in this book.

At the last minute, Stone has to fly to Rome to build a hotel.  So he ends up in the regular folks seats on the plane for about five minutes.  There he meets a painter.  He invites her to his first class seats.  At this point, you know he’s going to fuck her because she has a vagina and she spoke in more than two chapters.  I’m pretty sure there exists a novella where Woods had Stone fuck his maid and secretary and the other characters he hasn’t in the real books.  Must be saving that for Sweetest Day.

So in this book, the mafia is after Stone and Marcel because they want to build a hotel but refuse to give kickbacks.  So Stone pisses off a mafioso.  And then gets threatened.  So he flees to Paris.  Where he threatens the mafioso with the President, and the CIA, and the Pope.  The only deal is, Stone actually has access to all these people.  The hot MI-6 woman calls him to pout that he didn’t include her in his threats.  The president is like, “Shit yeah I’ll kill a fucking Italian citizen suspected of being a mafioso.  You’re Stone groove, baby!’

It’s not that bad, but honestly, the plot involves a cardinal threatening the mafia guy with going to hell and the mafia guy freaking out about it.  Stone pretends to be a blind pianist to sneak into the mafia guy’s house to lead a sting operation.  It’s so bad.  It’s SO BAD.  Not as bad as the setup for what will presumably be the next book.

You gotta ask, why read them if they are so bad.  Because I can’t believe how bad they are.  That’s why.  I literally can’t believe what he gets away with.  Banging anything with a pulse, literally telling all these high level security and police how they should be doing their job.  And flying, and fucking, and buying estates and manors.  National Bestsellers each time.

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